If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
