You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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