so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
