My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
