She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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