It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
