think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
