Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
