I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
