Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
