Who did Billy Mays play for?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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