do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
