Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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