I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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