So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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