the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
