Define "chronic" masturbator.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
