who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize