i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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