I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
