I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
