I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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