Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
