We won't sleep together?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
