Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
