Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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