I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
