During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
