the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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