the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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