3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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