I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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