i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
