It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
