in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
