Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize