and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
