If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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