Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
