I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
