I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
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