I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
