I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
