Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
