I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Send help, water and tortillas.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
