i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
