I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
