If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
