I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize