if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
