I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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