Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i love accidental penises.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
