life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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