why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
