my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
