do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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