I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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