Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize