Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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