I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
