If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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