please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
