matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
