I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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